Dear Jon

Last night's situation was pretty impossible. I could have more to say, more to elaborate, and thoughts..... However, my sense of bravery isn't as it was before. I think Jason probably does have several shares. Right now, I am only focused in on one who is a local. I'm pretty sure you know who he is. It gets confusing because he has two other relatives that look like him and I've already said I was confused with just their arbitrage. He has had a share with you and a couple of other celebrities/famous ppl. When I made my own cheesy sketch, I was looking more at Dane at the time. It looks like this local wants to own up to having some responsibility with my blind paranoia. There could be more vulgar words I can throw in right now but I'm just not going to. Besides you having a share with him, I have seen where you both have said the same things and have had some same actions. But there can be some things that are confusing. Not everything is clear. If there is any sense of bravery I do have it is just my own personal expression: I hate how he wants to look innocent. He just may be innocent of drugs and have no responsibility but there have been some words and actions I have seen myself where I really am bothered that he wants to carry an innocent rep. I think he is being a pig to want to look innocent. In the matrix, things aren't always clear or believable. But with my own paranoia, instincts, and whatever, he is definitely at the top of the list for being hostile and a hater. Because he has a share with you, it already makes it impossible with the both of you. It is also impossible with my life feeling extra unsafe. So, if you did really want me to share more, you're the one who makes it impossible.

when will it stop

A lot of anger right now.
I think it probably is best that I stay on unemployment for a couple of more weeks, but I'd still push myself if I had a job.
Life is heavy right now in so many ways and it seems as if either route: unemployment or finding a job can't compensate with how I am feeling. Because I'm a rock, I always tough it out and keep my head held high, but I'm still waiting for a good break to come. I'm exhausted. I wish I could come up with a solution for myself. I wish I had a good way I could save myself. Not only does it suck being poor, but it sucks when there are takers and especially takers in wealth who leave the person in their vulnerability. I think they dream the vulnerable will be their pet killer whale when they have problems.
I'm not intentionally trying to be rude. People think being a barbie doll on tv will solve my problems. A reminder that so many people are guilty. Time after time after time, I have said, "No, I don't want or need fame. It doesn't really benefit me." Money really would be a better way to reward me. Because I really have nothing to do, I do keep up with some people. Its not something I will punish myself for. I have complicated thoughts when it comes to conversation and trafficking. I know there are plenty of people that I don't see things eye to eye with.
What makes me angry is the ignorant statement when people say "I am a doormat." I don't care WHO says it, it will always be an ignorant statement in my book. I never signed a contract. I never made a choice to give myself to someone. It is a fact that there are many times that my life is out of my control and I'm nowhere near being responsible or to blame for some of the things that happen.
I think there is a fate that may not necessarily mean death that I am blind to.
When it is not concerning fate, it is concerning arrogance and egos of others. Some people really take things too far and get carried away. So many can't back up what they say and even if they tried to make things official, it has not been my choice to make anything official and they only kid themselves.
Some people aggressively rig and force things to have it their way when they really do lie to themselves that I agree with them.
In my court, for the millionth time, I don't force anyone to say, feel, or do anything. I give people their freedom to be themselves, but when things get too abusive that are seen in my terms and my eyes, I know when to tell someone to back off and get away.

If things remain the same in the workplace as they have with other places I have worked, I really don't think I have the patience to put up with others ridiculousness. If the info tech would perversly translate some of the people I work with as they have perversly and wrongly translated me, everyone in the workplace would either be seen as trying to force me to suck it, or passively manipulating me as a wolf.

I ultimately don't see myself as a wolf, but when it comes to passive aggressive games, I would rather be seen as a wolf than the bitch.

In a random thought about Russia, it is as if they have a karma game going on with me. It concerns a dark blog awhile ago about Maggie. She was being judgemental and piggish in everyway, so I gave her some of my judgement to think about. Like I said, men either want to play human nature or karma and be the ones to settle the score. It doesn't settle the score. Its not the same argument. We aren't the same people. And to the unbelievable idiots that think I deserve sexual harassment screw you. Yes, I have had to be my "own man" sometimes and they would actually use that against me. I don't care who systematically knows me. I don't care who systematically has a problem with my independence. It would be nice to have a man defend my honor, but just because a man would sexually harass me does not mean I'm not going to do anything about it or let it continue to happen.